Daniel Kapone Civil Suit

According to recently filed court papers, a young man by the name of Daniel Kapone is now suing Mr. Jackson for compensation for alleged abuse inflicted upon him from 1987 until as recently as 1999. Kapone, 20, alleges that Jackson (of course) sexually and mentally abused him as a child, sadistically tortured, plagiarized his musical ideas and passed them off as his own (along with the help of his record label Sony music), forced plastic surgery upon him, and to top it off physically injured his mother in a confrontation.

All of this is to be believed of course. It is all very, very true. Daniel Kapone tried unsuccessfully in 2004 to pursue abuse allegations against Jackson, with then representation, Gloria Allred.

The pursuit failed because Allred is an idiot.

It is sure to be a success this time around because Kapone's new representation, Lisa Mattern is pure genius. She told London's Guardian newspaper, "I've got photos of my client with these red lips just like you see on Mr. Jackson, and a big old cleft on his chin which he didn't have previously." This could be the "smoking gun" that will win Kapone his case.

Sources close to Jackson tell me that every aspect of Kapone's account of events is entirely true. They told me of how Jackson stole Kapone in the middle of the night from his home and broke into the home of his personal plastic surgeon. Then startlingly held the surgeon at gun point and forced him to take the scalpel to Kapone's young face right there in the master bathroom of his home.

If you read my brief biography on the right, you would know that I am a Jackson expert. Believe me when I say that this is all very true. Jackson told me in this big, dark, and deep voice: “The toilets in this place are disgusting.” I got chills up my spine, I was almost frightened.

Kapone is a very special young man, even when he was just a child. A child prodigy is what he is. At the age of two he was composing some of what would be the biggest hits in history. Included are the songs on Jackson’s albums ‘Bad’, “Dangerous” and “History.” Only Kapone can effectively tell about how Jackson in such a devilish way stole his ingenious ideas from him when he was just two years old. Who knows? Kapone could have used his talents to build himself a career of his own. Evidently, he shows no hints of his musicality genius to date, but my close sources suggest that he merely peaked too early.

But the plot thickens and this tale takes a twist for the worst. Looking back in hindsight to the first three words that left Jackson's mouth after I said, "Mr. Jackson, will you sign this napkin?" in the year of 1980, I can relate to the stirring of emotions in my heart that the Kapone family suffered. "Just a moment." he told me as he finished urinating. The words cut through me like a dentist drill and so it is not hard to imagine the fear and horror that Ms. Kapone, the mother of the accuser was encumbered with as Jackson beat her with force.

According to my reliable sources, Jackson personally pulled 20 teeth from Ms. Kapone's mouth and nailed them in to a wooden club and beat her relentlessly until she was black, blue and bloody, screaming for mercy. It is unclear as to what drove Jackson to this fit of rage, but reportedly Ms. Kapone suffered from gingivitis and asked him to fund her dental fees and wouldn't hold his signature black designer umbrella ($232.1mil). It is always uncertain what will happen when Michael Jackson does not get his way.

This story is still developing so stay tuned.

Next time I will tell of how Jackson's close friend King Kundata of Suntata (of Hati) will help him climb out of financial ruin just before his Neverland Ranch is repossessed. Jackson met King Suntata after hiring a witchdoctor to do a sacred Vodun curse on Steven Spielberg.